Who’s Coming With Me?

One of the only ways I have been able to successfully bring both Yang (masculine/fire) and Yin (feminine/water) into my life has been through allowing myself to have a flexible identity. In high school I remember looking at artists and musicians and thinking, “That’s not me. I could never be that person.” But within a few years I was fronting a band in Istanbul. The following summer I transformed again, this time into a food cart owner and businessman. Three years later I sold it and decided I was going to become a rockstar. Following that failure I studied business and became a business coach. My life so far has been a series of transformations followed by new chapters, and the new chapters have always felt like I was starting over. 

I know that most people are not as chameleon-like as I am. I can fully transform into a new person rather quickly. (and painfully) But if I can make one recommendation, especially to young people, it would be to be flexible with your identity, at least until you turn 25. Don’t be afraid to throw it all away and start over. If it’s not working, you can try something new. In fact, you can try an entirely opposite and contrary lifestyle to the one you’ve been living. There are no rules and it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks. If they can’t get behind a new version of you, then they only liked you on the surface to begin with. Because the core is still the same. 

In the words of Kevin Parker from Tame Impala:

“Yes I’m changing, yes I’m gone, yes I’m older, yes I’m moving on, 

and if you don’t think it’s a crime you can come along with me,

Yes, I’m changing, can’t stop it now, even if I wanted I wouldn’t know how,

another version of myself I think I’ve found at last.”

In my experience, the only friends that can’t accept a new version of you are insecure. The only friends I’ve lost from transformations chose to see the “new me” as a threat to them in some way. I think they were mostly worried I would succeed. I didn’t, but I did get to see who was who, which was a very fortunate side effect of trying my absolute hardest to achieve a dream.

My best friend Calvin was there every single step of the way. He was there for me during my first big breakup, and my second big breakup, and my third big breakup with the same girl as the first big breakup. He helped me build my food cart and was a phone call away in any catering crisis.

“I need you to go to Safeway and buy ALL of their coconut milk!”

He moved fridges, he skewered chicken, he took orders when my cashier called in sick. 

After I sold the food cart he came to my shows, standing in the crowd, drinking beer and cheering loudly. He played the main character in my shoulda-been breakout music video. 

He was the best man at my wedding. 

I have the best best friend in the world, and while other friends fell off, saying “I’d changed,” my bond with him only grew stronger. He never cared about the surface of whatever faze I was in that week. He cared about the core. And the core hasn’t changed. The friends I had who couldn’t see that never cared to look deep enough to notice.

Not everyone is going to go with you for your entire adventure, and that’s ok. Just like a geographical adventure where you pass through places and meet different people, in life, most people you meet are for a season in your life. You were at a place where they complemented and challenged you in ways that you needed. But like in school, once the lesson is learned, it’s time to turn the page and start the next lesson. You can’t replay the same level forever. Accept that the curtain has fallen on a chapter.

Everyone has a different life path. Your path will run parallel to someone for a while and you will grow to love and appreciate them. But if their path turns left and yours turns right, it isn’t right for either of you to go the other’s direction. It is a sad thing to part ways, but things do come back around. If you make an effort, you will see them again. I studied abroad in Turkey when I was 21 and my two best friends from that chapter visit me every couple of years. With some people, it never changes. It always feels like no time has passed since we were last together.

Sometimes, it’s about location. If I stay where I’m living, the people here will continue to be a big part of my life. If I move, our connection may fade over time. 

The real question that matters is, who’s going with you all the way? Who will share in every victory and every misfortune?

My wife is going with me all the way. Our paths are joined for life, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, no matter what. My family is going with me all the way and my best friend is going with me all the way. No matter where I move, no matter what I decide to do, they are on my team. 

Knowing who is on your team, no matter what, is a crucial piece of planning your adventure. In my Entrepreneurship class I have all of my students list their stakeholders. In business, a stakeholder is someone who has an invested stake in a project’s success. They want to see it succeed, usually because they have time, money, or resources invested, or because it will benefit them in some way. 

For most of my students, and probably for you, your stakeholders are like mine. Family and friends. Those are the people who are invested in the success of your adventure. If your adventure grows into something that employs other people or garners investment (which I hope it does), then your list of stakeholders will grow. 

The more people invested in your project, the stronger the project becomes, and the more responsibility you have because more people are relying on you. I’ve fronted many bands and owned a business and I will say that fronting bands is more emotionally exhausting, because everyone is your partner. It’s like being married to three other people. They all have a say in everything. If you have an artistic project together, or a business; even if you travel together, you are sharing something that everyone is invested in, and it is difficult. 

I can’t tell you who to involve yourself with and who to avoid. Everyone is different and some of the unlikeliest people click with each other. It’s only through exploration that you’ll find your people, and as you know, I think you should explore everything. 

There are friends for seasons and people put in your life to challenge you to grow, but the best people of all are the ones you can rely on in a crisis, that have your back no matter what, support you no matter what, love you no matter what, take your call no matter what. Those are the ones to keep close, and when you make your list of who’s coming with you, keep them at the top.